“The rebel yell was a battle cry used by Confederate soldiers during the American Civil War. Confederate soldiers used the yell when charging to intimidate the enemy and boost their own morale, although the yell had many other uses. No audio recordings of the yell exist from the Civil War era, but there are audio clips and film footage of veterans performing the yell many years later at Civil War veterans’ reunions.[1] The origin of the yell is uncertain. ”
That line ending risks making you sound like a white supremacist. Of the two options already, I would take that to be the worst of them.
Thanks. Not my intention here. I’ll see if I can warm it up a bit. May need another stanza. Believe it or not, in the course of teaching every race, nationality, and aptitude the most frequent compliment I’ve received is “you really know how to talk to people.”
Ok. I woke up very inclusive today. So maybe this is an ending both antifa and neo-nazis could go with. I also changed the title from “East of Eden” to “Imagination Working.”
The problem, as I see it, is that when you end an entire poem with a single word, then the entire poem is reshaped in the image of that word. In this case, you’ve now made the poem sound like it’s an ad for a retirement community—the Villages perhaps? — or an insurance company?
Maybe this works as a unit. Anyway, I feel a nice balance of rhythm, sound and concept, and even a little humor. After you comment on this, I’ll let it rest a few days (weeks) before I return to it. Small diamonds take the longest to polish. You may recall “In a Station of the Metro” took Pound 100 drafts. Thanks again.
Well, I’ve let this iteration rest five days and it works for me, thanks in no small part to the final stanza you prompted out of me. The haiku stanza setup makes it read somewhat hypnagogically, as if I were sleep writing. Unique, not bad, but not my best either. Nevertheless, may I compare it to Frost’ “Nothing Gold Can Stay”?
I’ll give it some rest and see what happens. It would be nice to preserve the demotic register but without being mistaken for a pothead. Masturbator, fine. Pothead, no.
I’ve treadmilled this—and several stanza-lone words come to mind, of which “Oh yeah” and “Ah-ha” are two of my favorites, being more true to my process of imaginative discovery and restoration, whatever the quality of the percept.
For real
Imagination working at its
Best
Ah-ha
Other possibilities include Amen, Un-huh, Redo, Remake, Beginning, Agreement, Rebirth, New start, Ideal, Make up, Do over, Redux, Restitution
Also, do you think the word-alone would present better as part of the preceding stanza as in:
For real
Imagination working at its best
Amen.
Or perhaps:
For real
Imagination working at its best
Restitution
through the blinds, my headache gives way to thunder
Also, I have to say that I relished your post about Gluck– especially the turn of phrase Gaussian blur (I may start using that one myself). At one point l lost control of myself laughing. Good stuff :).
And I found this online: https://www.gendaihaiku.com/onishi/index.html . It’s a neat archive of contemporary Japanese haiku and senryu poets talking about various things, plus there is an essay on there about Gendai Haiku. I linked the senryu video because before we had a brief exchange about what senryu was and its relation to haiku, so I thought this may be of interest.
Best wishes!
Rillie, thanks so much for the link! Maybe this evening I’ll have time to read and listen to some of it. Well, Glück — One reads such words! One can one say?
I may have mentioned this already, but if you haven’t picked up this book, The Penguin Book of Haiku, you really should. It has the best introduction to haiku that I’ve ever read (pointing out that the “haiku” as we understand it in the west was only invented by Shiki at the start of the 20th century) and includes all the many haiku/senryu that the Japanese might rather sweep under the rug.
And as always, I’m impressed by your feel for haiku.
I will definitely check it out! But I should wait a few days since because I ordered a book a couple of days ago and if I order another one so soon, I’ll feel like a tsundoku. (I hope this HTML stuff works)
and thank you for your feedback! You know something curious: I think the only time I don’t have impostor syndrome is when I’m writing. In every other part of my life when I am trying to produce something of worth, a seed of anxiety is always burried in my stomach. OK I’m done with the diary-post now.
84: October 26th 2020 | bottlecap
Thanks for this, with the beautiful print. I’m rather dull today and it prompted me off my ass to type something. Too abstract?
East of Eden
Darker
By the day the fall we fall
To
Memory
For the light of warmer times
To
Reverse
Regret, the would and could have
Beens
For real
Imagination working at its
Best
Ah, yeah…
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That last line makes it sound like you’re smoking a reefer.
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Actually I’ve no interest in reefer. Beer can be a problem sometimes, unfortunately. How about “(Rebel yell!)” ….
For real
Imagination working at its
Best
(Rebel yell)
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Why a rebel?
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Thanks for your patience. Is this getting there?
For real
Imagination working at its
Best
Both
A world unfallen and apples safe to
Eat
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As a trope for universal resistance–as in “rage, rage against the dying of the light.” If that sounds too angry simple openness might also do, as in:
For real
Imagination working at its
Best
Jar in Tennessee
Too literary?
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If you think of the original “Ah, yeah” as masturbatory does that help?
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I think that’s a question you’d have to answer!
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The “rebel yell” is a thing.
“The rebel yell was a battle cry used by Confederate soldiers during the American Civil War. Confederate soldiers used the yell when charging to intimidate the enemy and boost their own morale, although the yell had many other uses. No audio recordings of the yell exist from the Civil War era, but there are audio clips and film footage of veterans performing the yell many years later at Civil War veterans’ reunions.[1] The origin of the yell is uncertain. ”
That line ending risks making you sound like a white supremacist. Of the two options already, I would take that to be the worst of them.
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Well, after a couple of days (that included several frames of mind) I read it and liked this for a final stanza:
For real
Imagination working at its best
Uh-huh
Hopefully I haven’t gone from sounding like a pothead to a Confederate rap artist
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Don’t know. Now it signs like a catch phrase for a 1950s high tech company.
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Thanks. Welcome your vote:
For real
Imagination working at its
Best
Oh yeah
(or)
Ah-ha
(or)
Amen
(or)
Remake
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Maybe all of them, just the way you’ve written them, for a solidly snarky ending.
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Thanks. Not my intention here. I’ll see if I can warm it up a bit. May need another stanza. Believe it or not, in the course of teaching every race, nationality, and aptitude the most frequent compliment I’ve received is “you really know how to talk to people.”
LikeLike
Ok. I woke up very inclusive today. So maybe this is an ending both antifa and neo-nazis could go with. I also changed the title from “East of Eden” to “Imagination Working.”
Imagination Working
Darker
By the day the fall we fall
To
Memory
For the light of warmer times
To
Reverse
Regret, the would and could have
Beens
For real
Imagination working at its
Best
Community.
LikeLike
The problem, as I see it, is that when you end an entire poem with a single word, then the entire poem is reshaped in the image of that word. In this case, you’ve now made the poem sound like it’s an ad for a retirement community—the Villages perhaps? — or an insurance company?
LikeLike
Ok. So back to the more literary “East of Eden” trope, now with a little help from D. H. Laurence:
For real
Imagination working at its
Best
Instauration
Some Eve before the apple lesser
Hell
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Unfortunately you’ve made it so gnomic that you’ve turned the last stanza into word salad!
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Thanks for your patience. Is this getting there?
For real
Imagination working at its
Best
Both
A world unfallen and apples safe to
Eat
LikeLike
Maybe this works as a unit. Anyway, I feel a nice balance of rhythm, sound and concept, and even a little humor. After you comment on this, I’ll let it rest a few days (weeks) before I return to it. Small diamonds take the longest to polish. You may recall “In a Station of the Metro” took Pound 100 drafts. Thanks again.
East of Eden
Darker
By the day the fall we fall
To
Memory
For the light of warmer times
To
Reverse
Regret, the would and could have
Beens
For real
Imagination working at its
Best
A
World unfallen, apples safe to
Eat
LikeLike
Well, I’ve let this iteration rest five days and it works for me, thanks in no small part to the final stanza you prompted out of me. The haiku stanza setup makes it read somewhat hypnagogically, as if I were sleep writing. Unique, not bad, but not my best either. Nevertheless, may I compare it to Frost’ “Nothing Gold Can Stay”?
LikeLike
I’ll give it some rest and see what happens. It would be nice to preserve the demotic register but without being mistaken for a pothead. Masturbator, fine. Pothead, no.
LikeLike
I’ve treadmilled this—and several stanza-lone words come to mind, of which “Oh yeah” and “Ah-ha” are two of my favorites, being more true to my process of imaginative discovery and restoration, whatever the quality of the percept.
For real
Imagination working at its
Best
Ah-ha
Other possibilities include Amen, Un-huh, Redo, Remake, Beginning, Agreement, Rebirth, New start, Ideal, Make up, Do over, Redux, Restitution
Also, do you think the word-alone would present better as part of the preceding stanza as in:
For real
Imagination working at its best
Amen.
Or perhaps:
For real
Imagination working at its best
Restitution
Thanks
LikeLike
Hey! What do you think of this?:
through the blinds, my headache gives way to thunder
Also, I have to say that I relished your post about Gluck– especially the turn of phrase Gaussian blur (I may start using that one myself). At one point l lost control of myself laughing. Good stuff :).
And I found this online: https://www.gendaihaiku.com/onishi/index.html . It’s a neat archive of contemporary Japanese haiku and senryu poets talking about various things, plus there is an essay on there about Gendai Haiku. I linked the senryu video because before we had a brief exchange about what senryu was and its relation to haiku, so I thought this may be of interest.
Best wishes!
LikeLike
Rillie, thanks so much for the link! Maybe this evening I’ll have time to read and listen to some of it. Well, Glück — One reads such words! One can one say?
I may have mentioned this already, but if you haven’t picked up this book, The Penguin Book of Haiku, you really should. It has the best introduction to haiku that I’ve ever read (pointing out that the “haiku” as we understand it in the west was only invented by Shiki at the start of the 20th century) and includes all the many haiku/senryu that the Japanese might rather sweep under the rug.
And as always, I’m impressed by your feel for haiku.
LikeLike
I will definitely check it out! But I should wait a few days since because I ordered a book a couple of days ago and if I order another one so soon, I’ll feel like a tsundoku. (I hope this HTML stuff works)
LikeLike
and thank you for your feedback! You know something curious: I think the only time I don’t have impostor syndrome is when I’m writing. In every other part of my life when I am trying to produce something of worth, a seed of anxiety is always burried in my stomach. OK I’m done with the diary-post now.
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Love it! Perfect for the season 🎃🍂
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Thanks, Katy. :)
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