Not sure whether to call them “stanzas” or “haiku”. Since the whole seems to be interrelated, I’ll call them stanzas. The first is hard to interpret. The second makes it sound like you’re going to freeze the wood after you chop it. The last two strike me as a bit too ham-handed in their humor?
The first stanza is still awkward. The third stanza is flat compared to the others. I like “A crow/Ascends”. The imagery seems more expansive than “A crow/Roost”.
Thanks. I’ll give it some rest and see what happens. I was using a chainsaw today that took thirty minutes to start every time it turned off. Quite a workout. Hopefully I can make it through the VP debate tonight. In the meantime…
Ok. I’ve given the above total exhaustion, two glasses of wine, a good VP debate, and with minor modifications it seems to hold up to the impression your original, wonderful haiku made on me. More rest needed?
78: October 5th 2020 | bottlecap
This one really worked for—the impression impresses the more I read it. Then after reading it about 15 times this happened:
Practicality
Fall
To frost, a grizzly
Orange
Wood
To chop if not to
Freeze
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It occurred to me the orange needed the pumpkin (concrete) so I added a couple of stanzas to round it out and lighten up on the existentialism.
Practicality
Fall
To frost, a grizzly
Orange
Wood
To chop if not to
Freeze
Pumpkin
Asks the sun for
Shave
Sun
Says maybe, wait till
Spring.
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Not sure whether to call them “stanzas” or “haiku”. Since the whole seems to be interrelated, I’ll call them stanzas. The first is hard to interpret. The second makes it sound like you’re going to freeze the wood after you chop it. The last two strike me as a bit too ham-handed in their humor?
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Thanks. Is this any better?
Practicality
Fall
To frost, a grizzly
Orange
Pumpkin
Smiles a candle
Light
Wood
To chop, enough to
Live
A crow
Ascends the cold
Moonlight.
Or perhaps:
A crow
Roost on a moonlit
Branch
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The first stanza is still awkward. The third stanza is flat compared to the others. I like “A crow/Ascends”. The imagery seems more expansive than “A crow/Roost”.
LikeLike
Thanks. I’ll give it some rest and see what happens. I was using a chainsaw today that took thirty minutes to start every time it turned off. Quite a workout. Hopefully I can make it through the VP debate tonight. In the meantime…
Practicality
Fall
To frost, a grizzly
Land
Pumpkin
Grins a candle
Light
Heat
Survive I beg my
Heart
A crow
Ascends the cold
Moonlight.
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Ok. I’ve given the above total exhaustion, two glasses of wine, a good VP debate, and with minor modifications it seems to hold up to the impression your original, wonderful haiku made on me. More rest needed?
Practicality
Fall
To frost the grizzly
Land
Pumpkin
Grins a candle
Light
Heat
Survive I beg my
Heart
Crow
Ascends the cold
Moonlight.
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