The first two lines are brilliant. Worthy of T.S. Eliot. The third line makes concrete the abstraction of the second line. Again, nicely done. The fourth is off. As it is, it feels tacked on. The idea of the tree containing, within itself, contradiction (in a poetic sense) is an interesting one. The lack of punctuation detracts from the whole.
The coma of a stretching tree
Strives down as up for life—
Root to earth and branch to sky.
That’s your sentence. I know you were probably thinking of it as two discrete couplets.
Thanks. Yes, that last line detracts and distracts. But nice too have at least two lines worthy of Eliot. My quality control varies drastically between poems and within poems. But every so often—Bingo! Does this last line sound any better despite the questionable grammar?
The coma of a stretching tree
Strives down as up for life
Root to earth and branch to sky
Like us for signs of heaven.
14: February 20th 2020 | bottlecap
Does this work beyond truism? It’s incidental to a longer poem. Thanks.
The coma of a stretching tree
Strives down as up for life
Root to earth and branch to sky
Contain the contradiction.
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The first two lines are brilliant. Worthy of T.S. Eliot. The third line makes concrete the abstraction of the second line. Again, nicely done. The fourth is off. As it is, it feels tacked on. The idea of the tree containing, within itself, contradiction (in a poetic sense) is an interesting one. The lack of punctuation detracts from the whole.
The coma of a stretching tree
Strives down as up for life—
Root to earth and branch to sky.
That’s your sentence. I know you were probably thinking of it as two discrete couplets.
LikeLike
Thanks. Yes, that last line detracts and distracts. But nice too have at least two lines worthy of Eliot. My quality control varies drastically between poems and within poems. But every so often—Bingo! Does this last line sound any better despite the questionable grammar?
The coma of a stretching tree
Strives down as up for life
Root to earth and branch to sky
Like us for signs of heaven.
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No. Too sententious. Worst than the first effort. You’re in trouble because those first three are great lines.
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True. Too homily-itious. Somewhere between Longfellow’s “Psalm of Life” and a David Brooks column.
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