6 responses

  1. This haiku wouldn’t let go, so I started typing.

    Birdsong

    Unsprung by spring so far
    The green in me, my face
    Still masked of winter leaf.
    But the birds are singing in despite
    A Cardinal eaten by a cat
    A ring of feathers signifies
    Topped with beak and scaly leg.
    Cheer! Cheer! Cheer! they trill,
    They thrill. Cheer! Cheer! Cheer!
    Again, and whistle.
    I ask them why and they advise:
    Aren’t you special to survive?

    Like

  2. Alternative beginnings:

    Unsprung so far
    The green in me, my face
    Still masked of winter leaf.

    Or

    Unsprung by spring
    The green in me, my face
    Still masked of winter leaf.

    Like

  3. And the morning after….

    Birdsong

    Unsprung so far
    The green in me, my face
    Still masked of winter leaf.
    But the birds are singing au contraire
    A Cardinal eaten by a cat
    A spring of feathers signifies
    Strewn with beak and scaly legs.
    Cheer! Cheer! Cheer! they trill,
    They trill. Cheer! Cheer! Cheer!
    They whistle, thrilled.
    I ask them why and they advise:
    Aren’t you special to survive?

    Like

    • It’s almost nursery-rhyme doggerel right up to the last two lines, then the last two lines make a darkly effective joke out of all that’s gone before. This one is a keeper. One of the best that I’ve read of yours. All the things that often don’t work in your other efforts, work beautifully in this one.

      All that said, I’m ambivalent about two lines: “Still masked of winter leaf” and “A spring of feathers signifies”. These two strike me as just a little too precious? You’re close to perfection though.

      Like

  4. Thanks. I’ll let your feedback percolate and see what happens. It’s my first bird poem ever. After I compiled 42 of my poems to WordPress it struck me: I should try to balance out all the vengeance, death and sex with something more domestic. But maybe it was also competitive: if you can write about birds, why can’t I? In any case, when people are reading this poem a hundred years from now their last impression will be: (Special thanks to Patrick Gillespie for haiku prompt)

    Incidentally, I have a “mask” or deadpan face, especially in cold weather. So that’s how that line originated. As for “A spring of feathers signifies” I see your point—too academic, especially “signifies.” What about something like: “A spray of feathers marks the kill / Strewn with beak and scaly leg” ???? Sound better?

    Like

  5. On the other hand, the “precious” construction keeps it understated in a way that doesn’t overwhelm anything that follows. The last line depends on that gradualism as do elements of the sound sense,

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: