September 10th 2017

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252 September 10th 2017 | bottlecap
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7 responses

  1. Any opinion on this? Thanks.

    September 21

    I woke up cold this morning
    A note where she had lain
    My tropic love’s confession
    Of her Humanity: Capricorn
    Is calling but you can build a fire
    Of sticks and bits and paper
    (If you can’t afford propane).
    I’ll be back next summer,
    To tend your chilblain plight,
    For now a lover farther south
    Deserves my orgy too.

  2. And that’s the problem. I only “kind of” myself. This is the first 10 minutes before I started to tinker. It may actually sound better. A friend said the last line killed it—specifically “orgy” But I’m the one who slept and worked in the heat all summer—and loved it!

    I woke up cold this morning
    A note where she had lain
    My tropic love’s confession
    Of her Democracy. Capricorn
    Is calling but you can build a fire
    Of sticks and bits and paper
    If you can’t afford propane.
    I’ll be back next summer,
    To tend your chilblain plight,
    For now a lover farther South
    Deserves an orgy too.

  3. Some early morning tinkering that may have cinched it. At least it works for me. See what you think.

    I woke up cold this morning
    A note where she had lain
    My tropic love’s confession
    Of her Democracy: Capricorn
    Is calling but you can build a fire–
    Try chips and sticks and paper
    If you can’t afford propane.
    I’ll be back next summer
    To tend your chilblain plight,
    For now a lover south of you
    Deserves my orgy light.

    • You know, I was going to say something about “orgy”; but that’s kinda’ who you are—if you can loudly bang the pot at least once during high mass, you will. I preferred the earlier versions of the poem—“orgy light” sounds less natural and more amateurish than “orgy too”. I’m also not in love with the word “plight”, a bit archaic and usually reserved for femme fatals.

  4. You’re right—I let the sound rule the perception rather than the perception rule the sound, and that makes it feel like I’ve glossed the perfidy with an advertising jingle—i.e., Bud light, Natural light, etc– which the second iteration avoids. As for all these orgy sensitivities, I note Wallace Stevens gets by with it without any heckles from his contemporaries:

    Supple and turbulent, a ring of men
    Shall chant in orgy on a summer morn
    Their boisterous devotion to the sun,
    Not as a god, but as a god might be,
    Naked among them, like a savage source.

    Stevens’ post-modern analog, Ammons, on the other hand, would probably go with “radiance” in this context:

    I woke up cold this morning
    A note where she had lain
    My tropic love’s confession
    Of her Humanity: Capricorn
    Is calling but you can build a fire–
    Try chips and sticks and paper
    If you can’t afford propane.
    I’ll be back next summer,
    To tend your chilblain pang,
    For now a lover farther South
    Deserves my radiance too.

    Nevertheless, I’m still partial to “Deserves his orgy too” despite its evolving connotation of porn addiction.

    So what say Patrick, “radiance” or “orgy”?

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