July 25th 2017

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where
····the road used to go—the water
········lilies
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206 July 25th 2017 | bottlecap
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14 responses

    • This one came about while traveling south on Vermont Route 5. There are always places where one can see the “old road”. There’s a turn in the road with the remains of a bridge’s pier. Just below are meandering water lilies. I wonder if I should have written that?

      where
      ····the road used to go—meandering water
      ········lilies

      Now I don’t know which I like better. I always like to be as brief and suggestive as possible, but I like this too.

  1. I agree with Stephanie about the original and share her emotion on this. You’re moving and the image is sudden. Meandering is too much word under the circumstances.

    • Thanks cliff, I think you’re right. The first version gives more scope to the imagination. What I like about the second, though, is the contrast between the road, which is very deliberate in its passage, to the “meandering” water lilies in its place.

  2. Meander is such a rich word—especially as a participle– it competes with the central image. But I can see it serving the central image in a second stanza

    Where
    The road used to go the water
    Lilies

    Meandering
    In new flows that
    Meander

    In curves
    Awe is made of I
    Brake. (or pause, slow, wreck, stand, gape, plunge)

    Or perhaps:

    In curves
    Awe is made of they
    Spread (or “are”)

    But, yes, per Stephanie, a most evocative haiku in the original and near perfect by my lights. It could set me off for hours like this.

  3. Iteration #26

    Where
    The road used to go the water
    Lilies

    Meandering
    In new floes that
    Meander

    In curves
    Awe is made of they
    Call

    Poet!
    Tear down this road and
    Feel

  4. Iteration #28 Tranquility base here, the Eagle has landed. Would you let me include this in a chapbook if I gave you credit for the first three lines?

    Where
    The road used to go the water
    Lilies

    Meandering
    In summer floes that
    Meander

    In curves
    Awe is made of they
    Call

    Poet!
    Tear down this road and
    Feel

  5. The honor and the torture. Other possibilities:

    In curves
    Awe is made of they
    Shrill

    Mr. Gorbachev
    Tear down this road and
    Feel!

    ******************

    Where
    The road used to go the water
    Lilies

    Meandering
    In summer floes that
    Meander

    In curves
    Awe is made of they
    Whisper

    Poet
    Shake off those duds and
    Float

    Water
    Lilies never heard of
    Eden.

    ************

    My guess is you like the second better???

  6. New stanza one:

    Where
    Our scout pond used to be the water
    Lilies

    Meandering
    In summer floes that
    Meander

    In curves
    Awe is made of they
    Whisper

    Poet
    Shake off those duds and
    Float

    Water
    Lilies never heard of
    Eden.

    Hopefully, this cinches it and the complete poem now executes as a unit, although I did consider “Baptism Pond” in lieu of “Scout Pond.”

    That little haiku of yours has consumed my brain for a week but frankly I enjoyed being obsessed with it.

    • Hard to read without punctuation; and doesn’t the word ‘floe’ refer to ice? I looked it up on wordnet. Says: “a flat mass of ice (smaller than an ice field) floating at sea”. And water lilies have never heard of Eden? Such self-absorbed little plants. What else haven’t they heard of?

  7. Thanks. Strangely, at least since noon, I’ve been increasingly obsessed with my lawn mower’s carburetor. Any better?

    Where
    The road used to go–water
    Lilies

    Meandering
    In summer flows that
    Meander

    In curves
    Awe is made of–they
    Whisper

    Old man,
    Shake off those duds and
    Float

    Water
    Lilies get along with
    Time.

  8. I’ve read this in four moods and it seems to be holding up, although I’m still debating a “the” before water and curves. Kudos to your shit-dar on my previous iterations, especially “tear down this road.”

    Ginny Lily

    Where
    The road used to go–water
    Lilies

    Meandering
    In summer flows that
    Meander

    In curves
    Awe is made of–they
    Whisper

    Old man,
    Shake off those duds and
    Float

    Water
    Lilies get along with
    Time.

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