The Annotated Country Western Shakespearean Love Sonnet

  • A recently discovered sonnet by Billy Shaksper. An annotation has been included to help English speakers with the Country Western dialect.

Baby, your eyes ain’t nothin’ like the sun;
My coon-dog’s tongue is redder than your lips;
One boob’s still ‘tryin’ but the other’s done;
Ain’t double-wides wreck traffic like your hips.
I seen the kinda’ gal that men call meek,
Well-mannered, mild, but you? Hell no you’re not.
Skunked beer spilled on a lime-green shag don’t reek
Near half so bad. Your breath? — like eau-de-rot.
But sugar-plum I’d sell my gun, I’d kick
The dog and turn my Mama out the door;
I swear, so help me, never drink a lick
‘Cause I got you and don’t need nothin’ more.
···Man never writ nor loved if this ain’t true:
···Ain’t been no man so lucky lovin’ you.

1. Baby dear, honey, lover , a term of endearment. The term was applied to both men and women during the country western era. Much scholarly debate has examined the infantilizing endearment in this highly paternalistic culture. 2. ain’t a contraction for am not, is not, are not, has not, and have not in the country western vernacular. This archaic but very common contraction could indicate both the singular or plural verb form (see ain’t). 3. coon-dog  Coon dogs were bred to hunt raccoons and other small animals. These coon hounds were trained to chase animals up trees to ease hunting while drunk. A favorite companion for men known as “rednecks” (see CoonDawgs.com). 4. boob breast, female mammary gland. Most country western men were noted boob-men (see Dolly Parton). 5. double-wide There is some uncertainty surrounding this passage’s meaning. Some scholars suspect textual corruption. The Shaksperian scholar B. Vickers has offered the most convincing explanation: double-wide being a reference to the twin, “double”, gluteal muscles of a woman’s rear-end, the gluteal muscles being a group of three muscles which make up the buttocks: the gluteus maximus muscle, gluteus medius muscle and gluteus minimus muscle (see Cultural History of ButtocksThe female buttocks have been a symbol of fertility and beauty since early human history…). 6.Hell  Believed by scholars to refer to an absence of beer, barbecued ribs and ESPN. 7. skunked beer spoiled beer having a sulfurous taste. Scholars debate the type of beer country westerners preferred, some finding evidence for Coors Lite, others Bud Lite. 8. lime green shag  a type of thick wall-to-wall carpeting, often  accompanied by faux wood paneling, The lime green color was preferred for its ability to blend well with any possible stain, including vomit and affairs with the neighbor’s wife (see rugstudio.com).  9. eau-de-rot an offensive perfume 10. I’d sell my gun a prized possession and status symbol among country westerners, often associated with the phrase: “my cold, dead fingers” 11. kick the dog the country western male’s love for his dog was second only to his gun 12. Mama mother, third in line after guns and dogs, though some scholars place country western Mamas after pick-up trucks, football and beer. 13. Ain’t been no man so lucky lovin’ you. The double negatives in the concluding couplet have frequently called the meaning of the final couplet into question. If what he says isn’t true, then no man ever ‘wrote’, and yet the assertion is a palpable falsehood. (See, Vendler, Sonnets.)

The authorship question: There are some who assert the Sonnet could not have been by the uneducated Billy Shaksper, but by Eddy Oxfrord, the son of a well-heeled rancher who matriculated from a local community college. Most Shakspereans reject the attribution out of hand, noting that Eddy Oxford died in a freak bowling accident some years before the sonnet was published. Eddy’s defenders claim the sonnet was actually written a decade earlier, and was only published when the risk of embarrassment to the Oxford family was minimal. Few, if any scholars take the Oxfordians seriously. Oxfordians respond by accusing Shaksperians of conspiring to conceal the truth in order to preserve their socio-academic status. Shakspereans respond by calling Oxdordians idiots and morons.  The noted scholar Gary Taylor claims the sonnet is actually by Tommy Middletown and is said to have wept upon reading the poem. Donald W. Foster fed the sonnet to Shaxicon and hasn’t been seen or heard from since.  Other attributions include Franky Bacon, and Lizzy, the era’s most popular, country western stripper and drag-Queen, respectively.

pick up

4 responses

  1. God awful and not that interesting compared to what’s usually on these posts from the winter wonderland of Vermont. Greetings from the northwest coast of Florida. Have a great 2015.

  2. Mr. Patrick Gillespie
    Burlington, Vt.

    Dear Mr. Gillespie:

    This law firm represents BILLY SHAKESPEARE. If you are represented by legal counsel, please direct this post to your attorney immediately and have your attorney notify us of such representation.

    You are hereby directed to CEASE AND DESIST ALL DEFAMATION OF BILLY SHAKESPEARE’S CHARACTER AND REPUTATION.

    BILLY SHAKESPEARE is an educated, respected professional in the community. He has spent years serving the community in his profession and building a positive reputation. MR. SHAKESPEARE has learned that you have engaged in spreading false, destructive, and defamatory rumors about him.

    Under Arkansas law, it is unlawful to engage in defamation of another’s character and reputation. Defamation consists of

    (1) a statement that tends to injure reputation;
    (2) communicated to another; and
    (3) that the speaker knew or should have known was false.

    Accordingly, we demand that you (A) immediately cease and desist your unlawful defamation of BILLY SHAKESPEARE and (B) provide us with prompt written assurance within ten (10) days that you will cease and desist from further defamation of BILLY SHAKESPEARE’s character and reputation.

    If you do not comply with this cease and desist demand within this time period, BILLY SHAKESPEARE is entitled to seek monetary damages and equitable relief for your defamation. In the event you fail to meet this demand, please be advised that BILLY SHAKESPEARE has asked us to communicate to you that he will pursue all available legal remedies, including seeking monetary damages, injunctive relief, and an order that you pay court costs and attorney’s fees. Your liability and exposure under such legal action could be considerable.

    Before taking these steps, however, my client wished to give you one opportunity to discontinue your illegal conduct by complying with this demand within ten (10) days. Accordingly, please sign and return within ten (10) days the Defamation Settlement Agreement you will receive by certified mail to:

    Law Offices of Grey, Grey & Grey, PC
    2021 Coon Dog Avenue
    Little Rock, Ark 72135

    I recommend that you consult with an attorney regarding this matter. If you or your attorney has any questions, please contact me directly (202-544-4600).

    Sincerely,

    Zebediah Grey, Esq.

    • Mr. Zebediah Grey, Esq
      Clayton, NC

      Dear Mr. Grey:

      This lawfirm represents the heirs and assigns of Mr EDDY OXFORD, esq. If you are represented by legal counsel, please direct this post to your attorney immediately and have your attorney notify us of such representation.

      You are hereby directed to CEASE AND DESIST ALL DEFAMATION OF EDDY OXFORD’S CHARACTER AND REPUTATION.

      Be it known that EDDY OXFORD is the author of the sonnets and plays falsely attributed to the uneducated, Johannes Factotem, Billy Shaksper. Be it known that we have already elected to sue Mr. Gillespie. Be it known that by suing Mr. Gillespie on behalf of Billy Shaksper, you are defaming the late Eddy Oxford’s character and reputation.

      If you do not comply with this cease and desist demand within this time period, the estate of Eddy Oxford is entitled to seek monetary damages and equitable relief for your defamation. In the event you fail to meet this demand, please be advised that the estate of Eddy Oxford has asked us to communicate to you that they will pursue all available legal remedies, including seeking monetary damages, injunctive relief, and an order that you pay court costs and attorney’s fees. Your liability and exposure under such legal action could be considerable.

      Law Offices of Oxford, Bacon, & Lizzy the Queen
      342 All Bark Street
      Topeka, Vermont 03451

      Sincerely,

      Lizzy the Queen, Madame & Monsieur

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