Lovely images here. You do have a gift for fable & whimsy. However, you have not really addressed your Soul in this poem; it’s more like you are evoking a wood sprite or earth mother. She and the rhyme scheme have taken over the poem–not exactly what you intended, I don’t think. Still, excellent work.
Don’t quite know how to respond. I think a better criticism might be to say that it didn’t address your soul. I can tell you, at least, that this poem very much addresses mine. This is one of my favorite poems!
I just love this poem. I want to read it again and again! It is so full of life and surprises and freshliness. Lucky children to be playing around you and lucky you for all the magic that children bring.
The moon on the one hand, the dawn on the other:
The moon is my sister, the dawn is my brother.
The moon on my left and the dawn on my fight.
My brother, good morning: My sister, good night.
I never knew that poem by Belloc, but it’s imagery (in that one respect) is strikingly similar. But I’m happy to read your comments. This has always been one of my favorite poems – very different from my usual fare. Maybe I’ll write more in this direction. :-)
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Patrick,
Lovely images here. You do have a gift for fable & whimsy. However, you have not really addressed your Soul in this poem; it’s more like you are evoking a wood sprite or earth mother. She and the rhyme scheme have taken over the poem–not exactly what you intended, I don’t think. Still, excellent work.
All best,
Hudson
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Interesting comment.
Don’t quite know how to respond. I think a better criticism might be to say that it didn’t address your soul. I can tell you, at least, that this poem very much addresses mine. This is one of my favorite poems!
:-)
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I just love this poem. I want to read it again and again! It is so full of life and surprises and freshliness. Lucky children to be playing around you and lucky you for all the magic that children bring.
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It reminded me of a poem by Hillaire Belloc
The Early Morning
The moon on the one hand, the dawn on the other:
The moon is my sister, the dawn is my brother.
The moon on my left and the dawn on my fight.
My brother, good morning: My sister, good night.
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I never knew that poem by Belloc, but it’s imagery (in that one respect) is strikingly similar. But I’m happy to read your comments. This has always been one of my favorite poems – very different from my usual fare. Maybe I’ll write more in this direction. :-)
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The “she” could be from a forgotten tarot card. Or a Paul Laffoley diagram.
You absolutely should write more in this direction.
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There’s always a surrealist bent in my poetry — even in my haiku; though not quite like this poem. :-) I’m fond of this one too.
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